ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
