last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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