i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
