It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You were trust falling into bushes
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize