Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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