My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
