ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
