my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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