I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I cannot find my penis.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
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