Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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