I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
