Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
