he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
