so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
