it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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