Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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