Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
