You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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