There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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