Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
