Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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