How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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