you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize