He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
