Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
