you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
