So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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