I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
