Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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