WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
