im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He better not be in your backpack
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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