the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
