Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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