You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
