i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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