Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Randomize
