its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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