I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this boner is exhausting
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
