When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
