and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
