I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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