i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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