I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Randomize
