where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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