marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
