i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
