my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
