I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
