my phone cant type all the emotion im having
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
