Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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