I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize