I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
