Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize