I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
