Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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