sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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