Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
