I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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