There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
