Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
