i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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