what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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