I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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