Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
