You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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