Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
