If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
