After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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